Sunday, February 24, 2013

I'm laying in my bed with a crying almost five year old, and a luke warm cup of caramel mocha coffee from McDonald's.  my hair is dirty, and I'm still in my jammys.  Frankly, I don't care.  I've been reflecting a lot on my life over the last few weeks.  After david was born in 2008 i used to try to be super mega mom.  Sewing, working out every night, blogging, and putting a smile on my face.  People used to ask me "how do you do it?".  Honestly, I think I was in survival mode. I could go on three or fours hours of sleep and be good to go!  The last two years have been amazingly difficult.  When hubs started working his second job, I was blinded by exhaustion.  The kids and I were trying to get into a groove, and it just seemed like a rhythm would never fall into place.  We thought we were going to lose the house.  I cried.  I cried a lot.   Everything was put on the back burner.  Everything that made me giggle inside felt like such a chore. I was lost for a long time.  Just unhappy.  I knew that I loved my husband, and I loved my kids.  So why wasn't that enough?  I kept waiting for some big revelation.  I knew deep down if I just got off my ass, things would start to change.  I.just.couldn't.

I'm not sure what is different today compared, to even, say, last week...but I feel it.  The winds of change.  It feels good.  We do have a rhythm now.  Emily is beginning to communicate.  Not with words, of which she still has zero, but she has her own ways of telling me her wants and needs now.  And not just crying when she's unhappy with something.  I feel a shift with her too.  She's become so much more confident over the last few months.  I've started picking up more sign language, and I really feel like she understands when I use it.  Seriously, it thrills me.  My biggest hope and dream is to hear her say "mommy"...even if its just once.  But until then,  i know that she'll be ale to tell me her needs in some way shape or form.

David is mellowing out.  Kind of.  He drives me nuts, and knows exactly how to push my buttons, but he just melts my heart.  He's kind and helpful...a gentle soul.  His teachers love him, and his speech has come so far in the last year!  He tells me he loves me constantly.  I like to think he says it extra for Emily.

Hubs and I are shooting for a date night once a month, or a movie night on the night or two he's home.  I'd rather have some time with him on the couch than no time at all!  The house stuff is figured out, so that is a huge burden lifted.  I love him more now than I did 15 years ago.  No, really! Starting to ease back into the things that I love, but above all, I'm taking care of myself.

I'm doing this from my iPad, so hopefully this posts!  No idea how to add pictures either! Lol. So out of the loop! Lol

1 comment:

  1. I have been thinking about you, wondering how you have been. I really did think you were this super human mother, and quite honestly, couldn't figure out how you did it. I am sorry to hear things have been so hard for you. I am sorry that you were in survival mode. I have to admit, I completely understand the stress of worrying about finances and where you are going to live, etc. It is heart wrenching and scary and hard. Spousal dating is so important. I am glad you are finding the time for it. Good luck with Emily and David. Having kids in general is exhausting. you must have phenomenal levels of patience, and I really admire you for all the good you are doing with both of your kids!