Wednesday, July 28, 2010

a breakdown

yeah, a big one.   last night i literally sobbed my eyes out while cooking dinner and explaining to hubs what was going on in my head. 

i tend to bottle things up because i don't want hubs to worry.  i think my issues are my own--that i am alone.  i know that is the furthest thing from the truth. 

i'm not sure where to begin.  i think david has really hit his stride with the "terrible twos".  some days he is just.horrible.  i mean, to the point where i want to stuff him in a closet--or better yet, i'd rather hide in the closet!   he's really been wearing on my nerves.  i never had to go through this with emily...i think i may be in shock.  we stay in the house.  i am afraid to take him out in public.  he leaves me crying and mortified in the car when i do take him out.  the other day we went grocery shopping with my mom, and he wouldn't get out of the freakin car!  he is really trying to assert his independence...and i'm really trying not to kill him.  its overwhelming. 

emily is doing terrific in school.  but i still find myself going through periods of grief...even anger.  why her?  why our family?  haven't we been through enough?  i worry about her future.  will she transition into a regular school?  will the kids be mean to her? (btw, i had a terrible school experience-from middle school, all the way through high school.  that's where my paranoia comes from!)  will she get married and have kids?  i mean, these are things that every parent worries about, i suppose...but for me, it seems so magnified right now.   sometimes its hard to just "take it a day at a time."

hubs is looking for a part time job.  he has an interview on friday with target.  his hours are just not picking back up @ his full time job.  he was looking into another job--that would have been great--but they have decided to not hire anyone right now.  i have so much guilt that he is the one getting the job.  but we both agree that it would be better for me to stay home and hold down the fort.  i think its important to be with the kids, but its going to be hard to not see hubs as much.  i keep telling myself its temporary.  when david starts preschool in about 8 months, i'll be getting something part time.  but when i think about it, it makes me sad.  my only experience with work since i was 16  is as a cashier or receptionist.  the two jobs i hate most on this earth.  i want to do something that i love.  i'd love to be creative.  but it takes some $$ to be creative.  i have an associates degree, but what the heck am i supposed to do with that?

i want my kids to be proud of me.  i'm so hard on myself.  i think i'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife.  i know that neither of those things are true, but can we say "low self esteem".  what's up with that?    sigh. 

the bottom line is that i love my kids and i love my husband. but i need to love myself more and give myself some credit.  AND i need to tell hubs what's going on--he probably thought he was going to scrape me off the kitchen floor last night!! 


  1. (((HUGS))) We all need to have a breakdown once in a while! It's healthy and it means that things can only get better from here. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can!

  2. i so understand where you are. and i always wait until im in need of some major medication before telling hubby. i think that is how us moms are.
    all i can say is that even though im am in 'that' place now as well, i do know that someday, in the future, it will be better. that is how i get thru.

  3. Argh, I'm so sorry! We all have moments like that - you are not alone. I hope you are feeling better today. I hope it helps you to feel better to know that it is REFRESHING to hear about your two year old because then we all breathe a sigh of RELIEF knowing that we're not the only ones moments away from wanting to wring our own two year old's necks!!! They can be FULL OF IT! Right?! Argh. Well, we will survive. With a smidgen of sanity left. But, we will survive.

  4. Oh Tina, that is so hard! It is always difficult to understand why we have to go through certain trials. Things will look better soon. the terrible twos are so hard, but they can be grown out of. And I agree with The Thrifty Ba. Knowing that it will all be over one day really helps me get through it as well. Good luck! Big hug from me.

  5. Oh Tina, I am sorry you're feeling so crummy. I am glad that you got this all out and had a talk with David. You are doing the best you can do right now and that is all that matters.

  6. (hugs!) I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can completely understand how easy it would be to get overwhelmed given everything thrown your way. I am SURE your hubs gets it and even though it seems difficult right now, he will take care of you financially if that is what you've agreed on, and you will continue on being the awesome mom to two very special kiddos that you always have been. We're all allowed these moments... go right on and have one.

  7. first of all..SUPER HUGE HUG!!!!!
    I have had those days...and I don't even bottle things up (if I did I think I would go BALISTIC!!!)
    It's so easy for people to say "take it one day at a time"....espeically those who don't have extreme anxiety over our children.
    You know, it sounds like you could really use a day/night away....perhaps with some girls, or maybe a getaway with your hubby???

    As for a job....what about getting one in a creative a craft store? Just a thought.

    and I will now wrap it up with........ANOTHER HUGE HUG!

  8. I hope the bad feelings pass soon. I totally hear you about the searching for work. I have a B.S. and at times I think there's not much you can do with that either! LOL

  9. (I have checked your blog occasionally since your lip gloss holder. Cute idea.) Boy is parenting a struggle. And it never stops. (Sorry) It goes much quicker than you think it will. Job/money problems make it worse. I'm sorry it is so rough right now. I had 6 children in 8 years. Here a couple of thoughts that helped me. Read. Books that take you somewhere else. Books that entertain. Books that teach or inspire. Newspapers, too. Sleep. When I am tired, everyone pays. Good luck.