a breakdown

yeah, a big one.   last night i literally sobbed my eyes out while cooking dinner and explaining to hubs what was going on in my head. 

i tend to bottle things up because i don't want hubs to worry.  i think my issues are my own--that i am alone.  i know that is the furthest thing from the truth. 

i'm not sure where to begin.  i think david has really hit his stride with the "terrible twos".  some days he is just.horrible.  i mean, to the point where i want to stuff him in a closet--or better yet, i'd rather hide in the closet!   he's really been wearing on my nerves.  i never had to go through this with emily...i think i may be in shock.  we stay in the house.  i am afraid to take him out in public.  he leaves me crying and mortified in the car when i do take him out.  the other day we went grocery shopping with my mom, and he wouldn't get out of the freakin car!  he is really trying to assert his independence...and i'm really trying not to kill him.  its overwhelming. 

emily is doing terrific in school.  but i still find myself going through periods of grief...even anger.  why her?  why our family?  haven't we been through enough?  i worry about her future.  will she transition into a regular school?  will the kids be mean to her? (btw, i had a terrible school experience-from middle school, all the way through high school.  that's where my paranoia comes from!)  will she get married and have kids?  i mean, these are things that every parent worries about, i suppose...but for me, it seems so magnified right now.   sometimes its hard to just "take it a day at a time."

hubs is looking for a part time job.  he has an interview on friday with target.  his hours are just not picking back up @ his full time job.  he was looking into another job--that would have been great--but they have decided to not hire anyone right now.  i have so much guilt that he is the one getting the job.  but we both agree that it would be better for me to stay home and hold down the fort.  i think its important to be with the kids, but its going to be hard to not see hubs as much.  i keep telling myself its temporary.  when david starts preschool in about 8 months, i'll be getting something part time.  but when i think about it, it makes me sad.  my only experience with work since i was 16  is as a cashier or receptionist.  the two jobs i hate most on this earth.  i want to do something that i love.  i'd love to be creative.  but it takes some $$ to be creative.  i have an associates degree, but what the heck am i supposed to do with that?

i want my kids to be proud of me.  i'm so hard on myself.  i think i'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife.  i know that neither of those things are true, but can we say "low self esteem".  what's up with that?    sigh. 

the bottom line is that i love my kids and i love my husband. but i need to love myself more and give myself some credit.  AND i need to tell hubs what's going on--he probably thought he was going to scrape me off the kitchen floor last night!!