getting over it

ok, yesterday's post was a downer. i'm over it, i love my sissy--i'm sure we all have our moments. i'm also sure that we'll be chatting on the phone before the day is over.

so today i'm focusing on the positive--my kiddies. as stressed as i get over them, they always make me smile. i love to smile, people know me for it. i'm not usually one to not have a smile--most of the time...hey, no body is perfect(yesterday is a great example)! even when david is being terrible, getting into things i just look at him and my heart smiles.

i need to focus on emily for a bit. that little girl has worked harder than any adult i know. i'm not just saying it because i am her mother, either. when we brought her home from the hospital, we thought we had won the baby lottery! she slept through the night immediately! we were actually dreading it because of all the horror stories that our veteran parent friends had told us! we were practically gloating, and throwing it in their faces. when she was around 6 months old, we started to think how odd it was that she never really played all that much...she was a sleeper. we just blamed it on her father--who could sleep through a natural disaster! we mentioned it to the dr, but he assured us that all babies develope at their own paces...not to worry. we were trying tummy time, and all of the usual things that you try to do with babies...with not much success. at 8 months she still wasn't rolling over or sitting, but she was a big baby...she had "more to try to move...don't worry". this went on until she was 18 months and still not rolling, sitting or attempting to walk...but she was still our good little sleeper. since then, hubby and i have concluded that she slept through some major developmental moments. she has seen 3 neurologists--the first told us she was probably just being "lazy". he did do an MRI that came back normal, but that's all we got out of him. jerk. the next one was doing an evaluation for the school district. we were on the same page about everything--she was great! however, she was only doing the eval for the school, and did not take our insurance. the 3rd neuro came by the 2nd's recommendation. we were also on the same page, and were ready to schedule extensive testing. until someone dropped the ball on her end. we never got our call to schedule the tests...and not one call-of our many-was ever returned. so on tuesday we will see our 4th neurologist. i am jaded. medically, she has been put on the "back burner" since she was 6 months old. its frustrating. her course of treatment will probably not change...therapy, therapy, therapy...but, why did this happen to her? could it happen to her children, or david's? by the way, david has always been about 2 months ahead of his milestones.

emily started early intervention services when she was about 22 months old(after all of the paperwork and evals that they have to do). she received physical therapy, occupational therapy, developmental intervention, and speech therapy...8x's per week! when she turned three in march, our school district found a special needs preschool that operated 15 minutes away--in the same town. i was terrified to let my 3 year old go to school, 5 days per week, 6 hours per day...and have to take the bus!! i was a wreck for a few weeks leading up to all of this. but emily continues to amaze me. she loooves school, loooves the bus, and everyone loooves her. i am so proud of her! yesterday, she took two steps on her own. she fell, but the point is that she tried. she's ready, and it won't be much longer before she runs to give me a hug, and is able to tell me that she loves me. i get tingles just thinking about it. i am so impressed by her, by a three year old.

its been a long difficult road, but she reminds me everyday to keep trying.

in mourning

i am not mourning a death...thank goodness. i am mourning something different. its hard to explain, but i'll try. i am a twin. we may look exactly alike, but the older we get-we couldnt' be more different. she is my best friend, first room mate(we'll-wombmate), confidant, laugh-till-i-cry buddy...she is everything to me. i'm having a verydifficulttime adjusting to the different roles we are taking as adults. by no means is she doing anything wrong! don't get that impression. here's how it is...i've always wanted to be a wife and a mother(check!), she's always wanted the wife part--but absolutely NO KIDS! (i also have a younger brother, and its doubtful that he wants children either) my hopes of being an aunt have been dashed. she is so anti-kid! some of the remarks she makes hurt my feelings. i've told her, but she laughs it off. she can be somewhat insensitive. that brings up another issue...money! while i am a stay at home mom, we do struggle financially. we've taken a good hard look at things, cut back...its still not easy, but now we are managing. when i'd tell her of my woes, she'd tell me to get a job. emily was receiving therapy 8x's per week, and hubby picked up massive amounts of over time. again, she hurt me. its like she doesn't see my side of things. i'm not saying that a job isn't in my future, but at the time of that conversation--it definitely wasn't--and she knew that. did i mention, that she will not babysit my kids? so its not like she said, "why don't you get a job, and i'll watch the kids for a few hours?" now that the kids are a tad older, she will play with them. she has ideas of being the "cool aunt"--but when they are old enough to not change diapers or drool...she reminds me that she "can't stand bodily fluids" regularly. today was the straw that broke my back. i had called to ask my mom if she wanted me to make meatball subs for dinner. my dad would be at the hospital(grandpa is due for surgery, but there have been some complications). she answered the phone with such an attitude!(mom was driving-so my sis answered the phone)finally after listening to her attitude, i said "what is your problem?" she replied-with more attitude "i'm tired!" hellooooo..."so are all of use!" she gave me a "jesus christ"...and i hung up on her...and cried. she is very self involved, and i'm over it.

i'm fine with her choices, but respect mine for goodness sakes! i have a hard time talking with her about my long days with the kids. i can no longer talk to her about money. and i don't care how tired she is, because she hasn't walked a day in my shoes. i.am.over.it. and it makes me sad. our relationship is evolving, and i'm sure we'll find a happy medium one day. its very hard to be a twin, we have shared experiences throughout our entire lives...and now its all changing. sometimes it feels like she doesn't even support me. this is tough. maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, sometimes we both let our emotions get in the way. this has been brewing for a while though.

can't wait to get out

i hate feeling trapped in the house! off to mom and dad's today. the little man is still sleeping. he was up and down last night. at one point he was screaming at the cat! so i wasn't surprised when i was up before him!! aaah, i little quiet time before the hurricane hits! ooh, i forgot to check our lottery ticket. i'm sure we're big losers as usual. we're never even close!!

last night i baked, what i'm calling, triple dipped chocolate zucchini cupcakes...i will now share.............

Triple Dipped Chocolate Zucchini Cupcakes
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups white sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
3 cups grated zucchini
3/4 cup chopped walnuts(i left them out this time--didn't have them and i was too cheap to buy some!!)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking pan.
In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Add the eggs and oil, mix well. Fold in the nuts and zucchini until they are evenly distributed. Pour into the prepared pan.
Bake for 50 to 60 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool cake completely before frosting with your favorite frosting. *i did cupcakes, it made about 24...bake for 20 mins.*

(next time i make these, i may cut out a 1/2c of the oil--maybe replace with some apple sauce--my papers were a tad oily when they were done)

Chocolate Ganache
16 oz Milk chocolate chips
2/3 c plus 3 tbs heavy cream

pour chips into bowl. heat heavy cream in a sauce pan over med heat, until small bubbles just start to form...watch it closely--it will get away from you if you're not paying attention...trust me! pour cream over chips and let stand for 2-3 mins. start mixing with a whisk until there are no traces of cream and the chocolate is shiny. let sit for about 10 minutes. dip cupcakes. wait 10-15 minutes between each dip.(i took a shower, looked at some old pics with hubby).



i was only going to double dip these, but i couldn't let all of that ganache go to waste ;o). although, it is quite yummy reheated and poured over some ice cream!!
ugh, maybe one day i'll lose these last 20 lbs!! lol hope you enjoy!

neck ache; day:

i lost count! oh this sucks! for about a week now i've woken up with such a stiff neck! it hurts right at the base of my head. i'm thinking i'm going to bite it and buy some new pillows. i really do need them badly. one of them has had a blow out for months now. i've just been nursing it along. i think its time. i hope that's the answer...as i said...this sucks! especially when the little angel is getting into something. i have to turn my whole body to see what he's doing--instead of the sly over the shoulder peek! oh, and my shoulder is still jacked up from bowling the other night!! i'm falling apart. i think someone will have to scrape me off of the floor when i start working out again next week!

i think its time for hubby to child proof the upper drawers in the kitchen. we have all of the lower cabinets and drawers done, but i guess hubby never thought that david would be tall enough to reach the other ones...der! there isn't anything that can hurt him, but i'm just sick of him pulling all of my baking stuff out. its either a fight to make him put it back...or i have 2X's the dishes at the end of the night!

yesterday was a good day with the kids. they were both a little whiny, but over all, no meltdowns. their schedules worked out so they didn't see each other much during the day. david took an awesome nap, i was thrilled! haha, so today i'm sure he won't take such a good one! that's the pessimist in me! emily and i colored after breakfast. she doesn't color much, its more like her taking my crayon--then trying to hold as many as she can in one hand!! haha she also likes ripping the pages. she's always been into paper...i get the best laughs out of her and all i have to do is rip paper!! who needs toys?!


while emily was napping, david and i got the meat loaf together for dinner. well, it was more like me trying to get it done while he was watching his imagination movers dvd!! i did pretty well!! haha, very few interruptions! his new thing is hopping into the computer chair. somehow he managed to get himself over the the desk--where his banana was sitting. he did pretty well eating it himself. until the end. he shoved about 3 inches--give or take--into his mouth!! i thought for sure the hymlick was in our future, but he got it all down. i won't be letting him do that again! i'll cut it up next time.


we'll be heading to my parents' house for the day tomorrow. that should be fun. i think i'm going to make some chocolate zucchini cupcakes to bring. i finally got a zucchini big enough to use! my garden isn't doing very well this year. hardly any tomatoes or zucchini. the beans are doing well though. i think all the rain we got didn't do them any good! oh well, better luck next year!! haha

refreshed...i hope

i've had the worst "mommy brain" recently. i mix up my sentences, lose my train of thought-frequently, and forget what i did yesterday! i was never like this! so the kids had their sleepovers on friday(well, emily's started on thursday for reasons explained in one of my last posts--see, i don't even remember when i wrote that one!)

hubby and i went to chilis--oddly enough, we'd never been there before. it was so yummy! i'm not really about the spicy stuff, but everything i had was pretty mild. i'd definitely go back!! mm, my mouth is still watering when i think about those little sliders! then we went bowling!! holy cow, we haven't done that in soo long!! a good 8 or 9 years! it was so much fun. too bad the chilis kicked into high gear on poor hubby about 1/4 way into the second game!! he was sweating like a you-know-what in you-know-where!! he managed to squirm his way through one more game. i felt so bad for him!! i think he would have left after the second game, but we paid for three, and he knew i was having a good time...what a guy! suffering through stomach pyrotechnics so i could spend a little more time out of the house!! we actually ended up speeding to my parents' house--it was way closer than our house!! emily was already in bed, so i hung out with my mom for a few minutes. it looked like emily had taken her around the block a few times...she's the best grandma! so after hubby's 2 trips to the bathroom, we finally went home; where chilis continued to make us both suffer(i only had a stomach ache, lets get that clear!!) it was sitting so heavy in my belly! so we went to bed romance-less on date night--if ya catch my drift--and i think ya do!! ;o) --i'd still go back, but i think we'll both be a little more prepared for it!! lol i made him go grocery shopping with me on saturday morning. i like taking him, he talks me out of the crap we don't need!! i'm usually pretty good...i stick to the budget!! before we knew it the kids were home...and ready for naps!! david is soo cranky when he comes home! its a small price to pay for a little sanity though!

that night we made some strawberry smoothies. i found this packet of stuff in the produce section--that hubby couldn't talk me out of! so we played monopoly(disney version) and had our smoothies!

sunday was a blur, and here we are at monday! its emily's last full week of vacation. hopefully she's better this week--and hopefully i'm a little better equipped to deal with it if she's not!! hubby is taking a few days off at the end of the week to help my dad repair their porch. next monday we'll try to take them to the zoo or something. so at least emily can "say" she did something fun on her vacation!!

baking is my therapy

we had a very rough afternoon today. i really would rather not get into it, we're all starting to feel better. i will say that there was crying from kids and mommy, and then even more crying when a certain little boy turned on the dust buster by mistake! ugh! i hate days like this--i knew it would be coming, the last 3 days had been pretty quiet. i feel terrible as a mommy that i can not make my little girl feel better. another day under my belt, and we march forward once again...

so emily went a day early to grandma and grandpa's for her sleepover. my sweet-loving-knows when i'm at my limit-mommy called me up and told me that my dad would be swinging by to pick her up, and to pack her for 2 days. i love my mom! i feel a little defeated, but i knew i was due for a break. david is going to aunt cindy's for his sleepover tomorrow. hubby and i will have a date, so i'm looking forward to that. i don't know how other mom's do it that don't have a great support system like i do.

so i baked. baking makes me feel good. the kitchen all.to.myself. david went to bed, hubby went to the firehouse...and i baked. i'm relaxed now. the humidity didn't do much for the looks of my chocolate chip cookies, but i don't even care--they taste good! i'll be sending most of them with david to aunt cindy's tomorrow. lord knows that i don't need 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies staring at me all day! i packaged them in a store bought cookie container...yes, i said store bought! hubby brought them home from the firehouse last week--they had tons left over(probably cause they were store bought --tee hee) ok,ok, so i had one, but i had to test it!! i hung on to the container. wasn't sure what i was going to do with it, and ta daaa---perfect for sending off my yummies tomorrow!


i'm in my happy place. david is sleeping soundly, emily is in the best hands...and all is right with the world once more.

oh and i picked these lovelies for dinner last week, had to share!

hooray for sesame street

its something that david will actually sit for a bit and watch. not that i like him rotting in front of the tv, but for the most part, he's always on the go. this is something that will hold his attention so that i can actually go to the bathroom by myself!

we had a good time at my parents' house yesterday, but damn, it was hot! the kids were good for most of the day. david was his usual self, bouncing from toy to toy. and emily walked my mom all over the place!! she's going to be walking on her own before we know! i can't wait! david spent a while in the pool while emily took a ride with my dad to pick up my grandma's perscriptions.

justin picked us up some dairy queen on the way home. i've been dying to try the tag along blizzard. it was well worth the wait, but my stomach was so full for the rest of the night. i keep trying to repeat in my head "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". oh it sure tasted good, but i felt like crap for the rest of the night...when will i learn?!

so my fruit tart pic is being voted on @ allrecipes.com today. its holding its own against some really good pics.

i won't win a prize or anything, but the top four pics will be on the home page for the day. i've never won anything before, so i think that would be neat!!
would you like the recipe? well here it is anyway!!

Triple Berry Cheesecake Tart

1 1/4 cups finely crushed NILLA Wafers
1/4 cup butter, melted
1 (8 ounce) package PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
1/4 cup sugar
1 cup thawed COOL WHIP Whipped Topping
2 cups mixed berries (raspberries, sliced strawberries and blueberries)
3/4 cup boiling water
1 pkg. (4 serving size) JELL-O Brand Lemon Flavor Gelatin
1 cup ice cubes

Mix wafer crumbs and butter in small bowl until well blended. Press onto bottom and up side of 9-inch tart pan. Place in freezer while preparing filling.
Beat cream cheese and sugar in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Gently stir in whipped topping. Spoon into crust. Arrange berries over cream cheese filling. Cover and refrigerate.
Stir boiling water into dry gelatin mix in medium bowl 2 min. until completely dissolved. Add ice cubes; stir until ice is completely melted. Refrigerate about 15 min. or until slightly thickened (consistency of unbeaten egg whites.) Spoon gelatin over fruit in pan. Refrigerate 3 hours.

i love making this tart...its easy, pretty and yummy!!!

balance...

...is still clearly something i need to work on! i was trying to keep busy last week to keep my mind off of the impending doom of emily being home for 2 weeks! (i just sounded like the most horrible mother EVER there!) ugh, anxiety has been building for a couple of weeks now. since emily can't stand being in the same room as david without an extreme meltdown---and i'm talking the endless rivers of tears, snot, and drool mixed in with glass breaking screeching kind of meltdown--serious stuff...i didn't know how the hell i was going to make it through 2 weeks of that with out trying to jump through a window and running for my life! today-day one: really not horrible. i knew i was working myself up--it can't be helped, that's just the way i am. by the grace of all that's holy, their sleeping schedules worked out so that they literally spent all of a half hour with each other. not without its tears, but manageable. someone was looking over me! tomorrow i'm heading over to my mom's for the day, so i'll have an extra hand. i hope that the rest of the vacation is as uneventful as today was. i know it will not be a perfect two weeks, but i'll muttle through it. i'm almost looking forward to seeing her new neurologist on the first...maybe he can give me some insight on these tantrums...other than what i've already concluded--its normal, she's jealous, its her trying to integrate her senses. i think that that all of my theories fit into the puzzle somehow, but i just want to the poor thing to not have to go through such trauma! *deep breaths*

so here's what i did last week:
a post it holder made from an acrylic frige frame-got the idea from



made a HUGE batch of cracked sugar cookies for emily's school, bus driver and bus aide


spray painted a frame and cut out a monogram to fill in a shelf that we just hung


made some thin mints(ritz crackers + melted andes candy)


made over some kitchen canisters-one has colored pencils and markers, the other has crayons


the cookies and miss chris' gift were a huge hit...that made my weekend :o)

stand in mommy

sometimes i would just love a clone. we've been having an issue with emily not being able to STAND the sight of her brother. she throws the worst fits i've ever seen. i have many theories on the subject, but nothing is absolute. how do you tell a three year old with special needs that her brother loves her, and that he'll probably be the best friend she'll ever have? its one of those things that makes you feel like a failure. right now there is no clear cut answer...and that's a painful reality. since she can not communicate verbally, we know how she's feeling when she's happy, content, angry, tired with her body language. but its getting more complicated than that now. you can see that she desperately wants to say what she's feeling(especially when she's having an upset moment). her lips squirm to force out a word, but there is nothing there yet. its got to be the most frustrating and stressful situation for her. i know it is for me! i want to comfort her, and acknowledge how she's feeling, but its so hard. i feel like i'm doing the best i can...but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. i was in melt down mode after the kids got to bed last night. sometimes i just need those moments of grief. i need to be pissed off at the situation for a minute, tell my hubby that its not fair--then pull myself back together and march forward. we'll get through it...but moments like we had last night-i could live without!

on a less stressful note, i made the gift for emily's teacher. i think it came out really cute! the perfectionist in me can see that its a little crooked, but i don't think its too noticeable. and i'm just too lazy to make another one at this point!!

bringing the fair home

the fair is back in the area...and just like every other year...prices have gone up!! hubby and i just adore fair food, but knew that we probably weren't going to go this year. we couldn't justify spending the money. so last night for dinner i made beer brats with sauteed onions, french fries, and funnel cake!! awesome-ness! of course i forgot to take a picture of the brats...but oh, they were delicious--you'll just have to take my word on it! i found a simple recipe for the funnel cake over @ allrecipes.com--love that site! the only trick was getting the oil hot enough.
FUNNEL CAKE
1 egg
2/3 cup milk(*i needed to add a splash more--the batter was just too thick for pouring)
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 1/3 cups sifted all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 quart vegetable oil for frying
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar for dusting

Beat egg. Mix in milk. Sift flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder; beat into egg mixture until smooth.
Pour oil into a heavy pan until it is 1 inch deep. Heat to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
Pour batter through funnel into oil with a circular motion to form a spiral. Fry until lightly brown; turn over to brown the other side. Cook to golden brown, and remove to drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with confectioner's sugar while still warm.

i used a rubbermaid water bottle to pour the batter in the oil.

next time, i think i will use an empty salad dressing or katsup bottle. i think having the "squeezing" action will help for keeping them together.

basically i made a bunch of small ones...which was fine...easier to handle.


the kids loved these, and hubby and i spent the rest of the evening on the couch...in a fried food coma! glad the fair only comes through once a year--we'd weigh 500lbs!

i heart sprinkles

ok, so i did end up baking yesterday! i just NEEDED to! i love it too much! and i just used the egg whites from the recipe for my pork chops...a much healthier option than whole eggs anyway! ;o) back to the cookies...fantastic! these things taste just like the store bought sugar cookies...which my hubby happens to loove! i have to pass the recipe along(found it over @ www.allrecipes.com)...
CRACKED SUGAR COOKIES
1 1/4 cups white sugar
1 cup butter
3 egg yolks
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C). Lightly grease 2 cookie sheets(*i used parchement paper).
Cream together sugar and butter. Beat in egg yolks and vanilla.
Add flour, baking soda, and cream of tartar. Stir.
Form dough into walnut size balls** and place 2 inches apart on cookie sheet. Don't flatten. Bake 10 to 11 minutes, until tops are cracked and just turning color.

**after rolling into balls, i rolled some into sprinkles and left a few plain.



since emily's last day of the summer program is next friday, i'm going to make a big batch of these up for her bus driver, bus aide and teacher's aides. for her teacher, i found this over @


isn't that cool? and its going to be cheap!! emily doesn't really get a "summer vacation", only about 2 weeks. so i wasn't going to do gifts...but these people have been just amazing! i needed to show my appreciation in some way.

pain in my a$$

literally. so gross, but i woke up with a boil on my butt cheek! terrible. i feel it when i sit, when i walk...this sucks! never had one before. i swear having kids makes your body do all kinds of crazy things! i've been working out so hard for the last few weeks, i'm seeing changes in my body...and now--this! since i can't work out, i want to bake. i looove baking! but i don't have enough eggs for baking, and for my pork chops to get their bread crumb coating for dinner...ugh that's always the way! not that i need to be baking...since i'm the only one that ends up eating the stuff!! why do i love something so much that doesn't love me back? i'm pretty alone around here, so its not like i can share with friends. oh well...i'll bake another day i guess. i'm so thrown off from not working out! i was going to craft something or crochet the blanket that i've been working on--but now i don't feel motivated to do it!! its just one of those days i guess. i will just take my boil to the couch and relax while david naps! maybe something will spark my interest on the way to the living room!!

been slackin'

its been a little bit since i posted on here. sometimes life just gets in the way, ya know? so while the little man is eating his breakfast, i thought i'd recap the weekend!

friday was emily's pinewood derby. i have to be honest, i really wasn't sure how this was going to happen. i mean, pinewood derby, home made cars, big hills in the middle of the road...we're talking special needs kids here, how the heck are they going to do this? we wondered all week...heaven forbid, we should just ask her teacher! haha so we get there, hubby, david, mom and dad, aunt cindy, and me. they had it set up in their all purpose room with a big wooden track in the middle of the room. "ah ha", i thought! they had made small wooden cars--mystery solved! it was great to see emily @ school. she's so happy there. everyone loves her--after all, she is the baby of the school...and who couldn't resist that face?! in the end, she did lose--the wheels on her car didn't even turn! haha it was a great time though...and NASCAR had sent a ton of stuff for the kids to take home...and an entire table full of signed memorabilia from drivers and their teams for the school to display...how cool is that? i'm not a NASCAR fan-at all-but i thought it was a wonderful gesture! she was just so happy to see her grandma and grandpa! she almost couldn't believe they were there!


on saturday i was determined to NOT sit home all day and listen to the kids torment each other. after THREE hours of back and forth, we decided to go to the botanical gardens in ringwood to have a walk. emily was hysterical the WHOLE way there--until i crawled in the back seat between the two of them. ugh, its so frustrating! and its even worse when no one understands, i swear they think i'm making it all up! so we finally got there after what seemed like the longest drive EVER!! had a nice walk around for about an hour and a half. let the kids get out of their strollers to stretch their legs in the gardens...so pretty--although, i did think it was going to be alot bigger. by the time we even got out of the parking lot, the kids were passed out...i love that--silence! we made the mistake of taking the long way home so they could sleep...30 minutes into the drive they were both awake and screaming again! there went dinner @ the chatterbox! we found the quickest route home and made a pot of mac n cheese!

they liked the fish in the fountain!



on sunday we just hung around the house. it wasn't a completely terrible day...the weather sucked though, so we couldn't even take the kids outside. then it was back to the grind on monday. emily has had three miserable mornings in a row...i don't know what it is about david that sets her off. i think he's just so unpredictable, maybe she's jealous...i just don't know how to get her passed this...ugh...trying to keep it together!!