in mourning

i am not mourning a death...thank goodness. i am mourning something different. its hard to explain, but i'll try. i am a twin. we may look exactly alike, but the older we get-we couldnt' be more different. she is my best friend, first room mate(we'll-wombmate), confidant, laugh-till-i-cry buddy...she is everything to me. i'm having a verydifficulttime adjusting to the different roles we are taking as adults. by no means is she doing anything wrong! don't get that impression. here's how it is...i've always wanted to be a wife and a mother(check!), she's always wanted the wife part--but absolutely NO KIDS! (i also have a younger brother, and its doubtful that he wants children either) my hopes of being an aunt have been dashed. she is so anti-kid! some of the remarks she makes hurt my feelings. i've told her, but she laughs it off. she can be somewhat insensitive. that brings up another issue...money! while i am a stay at home mom, we do struggle financially. we've taken a good hard look at things, cut back...its still not easy, but now we are managing. when i'd tell her of my woes, she'd tell me to get a job. emily was receiving therapy 8x's per week, and hubby picked up massive amounts of over time. again, she hurt me. its like she doesn't see my side of things. i'm not saying that a job isn't in my future, but at the time of that conversation--it definitely wasn't--and she knew that. did i mention, that she will not babysit my kids? so its not like she said, "why don't you get a job, and i'll watch the kids for a few hours?" now that the kids are a tad older, she will play with them. she has ideas of being the "cool aunt"--but when they are old enough to not change diapers or drool...she reminds me that she "can't stand bodily fluids" regularly. today was the straw that broke my back. i had called to ask my mom if she wanted me to make meatball subs for dinner. my dad would be at the hospital(grandpa is due for surgery, but there have been some complications). she answered the phone with such an attitude!(mom was driving-so my sis answered the phone)finally after listening to her attitude, i said "what is your problem?" she replied-with more attitude "i'm tired!" hellooooo..."so are all of use!" she gave me a "jesus christ"...and i hung up on her...and cried. she is very self involved, and i'm over it.

i'm fine with her choices, but respect mine for goodness sakes! i have a hard time talking with her about my long days with the kids. i can no longer talk to her about money. and i don't care how tired she is, because she hasn't walked a day in my shoes. i.am.over.it. and it makes me sad. our relationship is evolving, and i'm sure we'll find a happy medium one day. its very hard to be a twin, we have shared experiences throughout our entire lives...and now its all changing. sometimes it feels like she doesn't even support me. this is tough. maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, sometimes we both let our emotions get in the way. this has been brewing for a while though.